Friday, November 30, 2012

Whose Life Is This Anyway?

I can remember a few moments in recent history when I’ve had the thought of “whose life did I just walk into?”  One involved an amazing experience in Napa (and exceptional wine), and the other involved a paper bag and a request for a sample from my husband.  I’d take the former every single time offered.

As we moved to our new state and settled into our new digs, I began to seek out a new doctor.  I was positively in denial.  Errr, I mean, I really thought I just needed a great OBGYN to answer a few questions.   I called a doctor’s office that I felt comfortable with, and as concisely as possible explained our situation, to which she replied with a swift referral to their infertility specialist.  {Insert instinct to open one of those bottles of exceptional wine at the mere thought of an infertility specialist!}

Thanks to busy schedules, I eventually got an appointment with said doctor on the day of my husband’s annual division meeting which left me to experience this alone {unlike the wine situation!}.  Blurg.

What surprised me about this appointment was how few questions were asked of me.  This was my first appointment and there were no less than three mentions of IVF.  Hell, we hadn’t even quite hit a year of trying – why would we be discussing IVF?  I think there is basic protocol in working with infertile women that includes trying to get them pregnant as quickly as possible and, in some cases, at any cost.  But, my husband and I are quite pragmatic.  We are known to map out our lives on white boards, and we are both planners!  (I know, I know, amazing candidates for the unpredictable journey of infertility – or parenthood for that matter!)

Further, I do not feel a desperate need to have a child.  While I understand that this may put me in the minority of infertile women, it’s the truth.  I always thought that my husband and I would have a family.  I know that we could give a child a good home to grow up in, and I believe that I would love being a mom almost as much as Andy would love being a dad.  BUT, I also know that I have a great life.  There is a huge part of me that believes “having it all” means appreciating all that you have been given.  I know that I have an amazing husband, a career that I enjoy, and family and friends who are second to none.  Therefore, I can’t help but think that this could be my “all.”
But, I digress.  Back to the doctor’s office…

The whole experience caught me off-guard!  So, I did what any smart, educated, very confused woman would do – I started crying.  Not for any particular reason other than, I repeat, I felt so confused.  I wanted to scream my symptoms at these nurses and have them help me find a solution, but I was quickly learning that it wasn’t that easy.  And, although I felt as though I had been put through the entire gamut already; this was merely the beginning.

Ultimately, we decided that we would proceed with the basic testing.  A sample from Andy.  More blood work from me.  A sonohysterogram.  And, another ultrasound.

I was now three months into this journey and hadn’t had a single question answered.

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