Dear Nora

It’s almost your first birthday and that means this first-time, pregnant-again mama is getting emotional. It’s hard to believe that you’ve been in our family for a year.  And, yet, you have fit in with us so seamlessly that it’s easy to know you’ve always been in our hearts.  There are a few things I want you to know now that I’m an expert mom {ha!}. I’m writing them down as a reminder to both you and me when our future selves are doubting.

• Being a mom is hard, but not really as hard as some people will want you to believe. If you choose to become a mom one day, know that people will make parenting sound scary and intimidating. And, it is, but you have it in you to be the person you need to be no matter the challenge you are facing – parenting or other.
• Sorry for… accidentally biting your finger when we were playing, pinching you when putting your pajamas on, not realizing you had thrown up in your crib soon enough, forgetting to change your diaper on a long car ride, dropping food on your head during the days that you stayed content in the Baby K’Tan, your dad pinching your finger in the rock and play (we’re lucky your fingers are all still intact), and everything I’ll do in the future that isn’t quite right. You deserve better and I’m getting better all the time.
• Your name means “light.” And, I described you as full of light long before I knew that. Don’t let anyone dull that light.
• I wet down your cowlick every morning. I think the spirited curl that sprouts on top of your head because of it might calm down once your hair gets longer. Truthfully, I hope it doesn’t, because I love it.  Regardless, I hope you’re always confident in the beauty you were born with. From the curl on top of your head to your curious spirit to the freckle on your knee to the seriousness in which you make your point to those killer eyes, you’re beautiful.
• You have a really good dad. You know that today. Your light is brightest when he’s around. Don’t forget it in 11 years or in 24 years. Keep talking to him. Keep reading with him. Keep building that relationship.
• You are skeptical and slow to trust others. I get it. So am I! But, girl, you have a lot of great people who love you, so go ahead, and let them in!
•  Keep sharing things you love {Gerald} with others.

Photo by Heart Shot Photo

But, most of all, always know that we love you. We cut your bananas up into tiny little pieces for fear you might inhale them too quickly. I have more awkward “pumping” stories than I have time to tell. You didn’t get a blanket in your crib for a ridiculously long time. Your dad still gets scared when you walk on tile. Remember these things when you’re frustrated with us. They may be strange ways to show it, but we love you more than you know right now.

Love, Mom

Planning for Suprises

I’m a planner at heart. Sure, I appreciate spontaneity, but I prefer to plan to be spontaneous. When we found out I was pregnant with Nora, it was surprising, yes, but we had been planning to have her for years.  I had no idea we would get pregnant at the exact time we were planning to begin IVF, but pregnancy was obviously in our plans.

Further, I struggled with pregnancy. The planner in me just wouldn’t be quiet. How could I plan for the potential risks that existed within my pregnancy?  And having my ideal pregnancy, labor and delivery? Well, if I’m being honest, I definitely didn’t understand that might be our outcome. Thankfully, it was. Thankfully, we have a healthy little girl. 

But, I needed time after that nine months of uncertainty to adjust – to adjust to the uncertainty that exists within being a parent. To come to a better understanding that life is good great, and sometimes when you plan for the worst and hope for the best, it really does happen.

So, what am I trying to say exactly?  Well, I had planned to come to terms with the idea that Nora may be it for us. That one little girl, full of light, might be the extent of our family. We had hoped to give her a sibling, but, we honestly didn’t know if it would happen. And, frankly, I was leery of pushing our luck. 

Well, while I was making my plans, someone or something was laughing – insistent on teaching me a lesson about planning and over-thinking everything.  I forgot that when they say your fertility is 50%, ultimately, it’s a crapshoot.  And, while half the time it’s impossible to get pregnant, the other half the time, everything works perfectly.

In short, Nora is excited to become a big sister in the fall of 2015.

I could say that I have no idea how this happened.  But, truthfully, I didn’t skip that day in sex-ed.  So, theoretically I know how this happened.  But, how could we be so lucky to experience a true surprise with this little one?  I’m not sure.

Here’s to relinquishing control.  To two under two! {gulp!} To my family of four! {smile}

Cheers, everyone!

This is 30.

I woke up on the morning of my birthday to the sound of the alarm on my phone.  And, it was alarming because it wasn’t the sound of a little one jabbering in her bed.  Then, there was a feeling of excitement knowing that she had slept through the night despite a cold that has been wearing her down. 

This is 30.

I got out of the shower in time to hear the jabbering that I had missed at 6 am.  And, it wasn’t long before that jabbering turned to crying.  The crying lead to a conversation regarding to daycare or not to daycare.  And, that conversation quickly changed to a comparing of calendars and a decision on who could afford to stay home and who could not.

This is 30.

There was coffee with said crying baby on the hip while dialing up the doctor for a last minute appointment.  There was a quick hand-off of the baby before rushing to the office for a few meetings.  There was a double ear infection confirmation and the commencement of antibiotics.  There was a change of plans from a lunch date to take-out and another quick hand-off.  All before noon.

This is 30.

The thing is, this is definitely not twenty.  This is chaos that I’m so thankful for.  If it wasn’t for a career that I’m blessed to have and love, I wouldn’t have deadlines that I would be juggling – and missing and meeting depending on the day.  If it wasn’t for meeting a fantastic partner that I’m so fortunate to have married, I wouldn’t have someone with which to compare calendars - someone who loves me even when I’m frazzled.  And, on a different day in a different year, I thought I wouldn’t have a little one to jabber at me, wake me in the night and smile at me in the morning.

This is 30 and 30-something :)

This is 30.

This is a time when each small, unplanned inconvenience allows for reflection and thanksgiving.  It’s a time where enough life has been experienced to appreciate what you have while anticipating all that’s still to come.  So, this isn’t twenty (thank God), this is 30.  And, well, 30 feels pretty damn good.

Having It "All"

“No woman can have it all, and by using all as the standard of success, we are only condemning ourselves and our daughters to failure.”  - Debra Spar, “Why Women Should Stop Trying to Be Perfect”

I like this quote from an article that I recently re-read after being at this whole parent thing for half a year.  It’s a wise summary of what I've been feeling recently.

The other day, I excused myself from an all-day meeting being held at a local country club.  I lugged my trusty “black bag” to the restroom and set-up a now familiar scene.  I unpacked hoses and funnels and replaced batteries before exhaustively pumping.  I checked my handy “tot-report” while standing in the stall to better understand how No-Nap-Nora’s day was going.  I researched six-month baby schedules while simultaneously trying to read countless emails that I was already behind on answering.  Meanwhile, I heard someone in the restroom with me.  I honestly paid her no attention until she made the comment, “Is someone in there making liquid gold?!”

And, I cried.  The kind woman asked how old my baby is to which I proudly replied, “six months!”  She answered my exclamation with a kind you’re doing a great job!  

I never laid eyes on the woman. I wish I could have hugged her thanked her before I let myself succumb to my emotion.  

Here's what I know about motherhood so far. I have surrounded myself with a great “village.”  I read angry blog posts that are forwarded and re-posted all over the place about judging moms - working moms, stay-at-home moms, fun moms, boring moms, moms who love their cell-phones and moms who hate everything.  All of that judgement that has been discussed, it's been the minority of my experience.  More often, I’ve received ongoing support.  A kind look, a friendly nod or overt encouragement.  I’ve received this from stay-at-home moms, working moms, part-time working moms, and ladies who lunch at country clubs.

The person who has judged me?  Myself.  I am far too guilty of chasing the “all.”  So, that's my pledge for these next few months of parenting - to strive not for perfection, but for a stability that is sustainable.  I'll give-in to the dropped balls hitting the ground, and enjoy it.  For myself.  And, for No-Nap-Nora!

Back to Work

“Back to work, back to work, so my boss doesn’t think I’m a jerk!” (This is sung to the tune of Back to School from Billy Madison!) 

After eleven weeks home with my lil wizard, Thursday marks my first day back to work outside of the home.  I’ve had a lot of emotions surrounding this week – way more than I ever thought I would – which got me thinking about the age-old discussion regarding stay-at-home vs. working mamas.

First, I have to admit that I’m excited to head back to work!  I’ve worked hard to build a career that I am proud of and enjoy. But, this is not to say that I won't bawl when I drop the bean off at daycare or that I don’t have the utmost respect for those mamas who choose to stay home with their littles.  I have not once had dinner ready for my husband when he got home from work in the last eleven weeks.  Honestly, between getting pooped on, nursing, shhhhing, bouncing, rocking, cooing and diaper changing, it never dawned on me that I could do all of that and get dinner ready.  (Yup, I’m an awesome wife!)  In short, being a stay-at-home mama is hard work and being a working mama is also hard work - and don't even get me started on those brave mamas who keep their kids home with with them while they work - how do you do it?

Truth be told, I have worked while I have been home and it has looked like this every time!

The truth is, no matter the work we do, we all just want to do right by our littles.  And, I think the only people who know what “right” is, are our partners, children and selves.  Heading back to work this week is the right thing for my family – for far too many reasons than I can list on this blog and I realize I am leaving out the whole financial issue in this discussion of this highly sensitive subject.  That’s a different blog for a different day.  I know I won’t be able to do it all.  I will miss big meetings to cuddle with our bean when she isn’t feeling well and I will miss activities when a big meeting requires my attendance.  The reality is that some days my career will suffer from the juggling act while other days Nora will and still on other days my marriage or I will take the hit.  But, I will strive to be a “good enough parent” just as I have always sought to build a “good enough marriage.” 

Psychologist Donald Winnicott believed that the way to be a good mother was to be a “good enough mother!”  What he meant by this was simple – “the good enough mother is one who loves her child well enough for him to grow into an emotionally healthy adult. The goal is mental health, defined as the fortitude and flexibility to live one’s own life — not happiness.” This crucial distinction allows for the margin of error that is inevitable as a human.  I believe our job, as parents, is to love our children to the best of our ability, and ready them for the world so they can seek their own happiness.

"Wait, we aren't going to hang out all day, everyday?"

Ultimately, my good-enough will be different from your good-enough but our goal will be the same – to raise good little people who will grow into great bigger people.  We will ensure our faces light up when they enter the room and  provide them a foundation that makes them strong enough to build the life they seek.  And hopefully this, not simply staying home or going to work, will make them great people!

Month One

Month one with our little peanut has no doubt had its ups and downs.  We are so lucky to have a fairly laid-back baby, but even with that, the first month has been a blur.  Anyone who has a child can probably relate to what a blur the nights are.  Two hour stretches of sleep give way to nursing which fades into rocking which quickly becomes diaper changing and then paranoia.  The paranoia inevitably leads to a quick check to ensure the baby is still alive because the room has become quiet (which means you should be asleep) before you finally fade into another two hours (if you’re lucky) of sleep, and the cycle repeats.  

Realistically the days are not much different.  In between the actions that become robotic there are quiet moments of gratification.  A small grin (gas) or a look that undeniably means “hey, I know you’re my parents and I love you guys too.”  That’s when the sleep deprivation that has caused you to look for your phone while you’re on it or run your car into the garage and knock the side mirror off (yup, those things have happened) become worth it.

So, as month one draws to a close we still have no idea what we’re doing.  But, she’s growing so we think something is going right and we’re all learning.  We’re learning that we’re no longer in charge and that side mirrors can be replaced, but those quiet moments cannot.  They fade in quickly and out just as fast.  The blur that is parenthood has just begun, and more than anything we’re soaking it all in.

Happy One Month Birthday, Nora!

And, a little housekeeping.  I’ve added a page to the blog about our road to baby.  I’ve had a number of people reach out to me about infertility so I compiled all the posts that were on a previous blog in this spot.  Feel free to visit if you’d like to learn more (or not if you’re not interested!). 

Nora James Wendling's Birthday

I used to read birth stories and always found them interesting from an ok, now I better understand what to expect standpoint.  I like to hear how long it lasted for people and how bad they truly thought it was, but I have to admit, I’d skip over the parts about how amazing an experience it is because I just didn’t understand. 

Here is the story of Nora’s birth.  It includes the parts about how long it lasted and what the worst parts were, but now I understand.  I can’t help but cry every time I think about our experience of welcoming her – it truly was amazing.

Photo by Heart Shot Photo

After being told that our lil peanut would more than likely arrive around 35-36 weeks gestation, it was safe to say that I felt well over-due as I hit the 38 week mark.  We were so happy that our girl was healthy and comfy in the womb, but mama was getting more uncomfortable by the day. 

Looking back, there were small signs that should have told me that Andy and I were both getting ready for our little to join our family.  As he came to bed the night before she was born he put his hands on my belly as he fell asleep.  I remember pausing to think; “this may be the last time for this!” 

1:00 am

I began feeling some cramping at about 1:00 am that woke me up.  Although it was nothing terribly painful – I was able to sleep through most of it – I decided to relocate to the guest bedroom just in case this was the real thing.  I wanted Andy to have as much rest as he could because I knew I would need him later.  

Photo by Heart Shot Photo

5:45 am

I was able to sleep through early labor for the most part.  I crawled back into our bed to update Andy at around 5:45 am.  At this point contractions had gotten closer together, but I still questioned whether it was the “real thing!”  Andy had a dentist appointment that morning so he decided to go to that and call me when it was over to see how things were progressing.  About the time he called to see if he should head into work or not, the contractions were coming closer together (about seven minutes) and getting increasingly uncomfortable.  I still hesitated to ask him to come home (I had a serious fear of being the false alarm girl and was in labor denial), but I went ahead and told him that I thought he should come home to walk with me and see if things continued.

8:30 am

As soon as Andy got home we headed out for a walk.  At this point the contractions were hard to walk through so our walk was relatively short (just around the block).  As we inched closer to our house – about two houses away and extremely close to a garage sale that was going on that morning – Andy’s back started to tighten up.  Andy indicated that he had sympathy symptoms for much of my pregnancy – eating, cravings, sleeping, etc. – so it shouldn’t have surprised me when he started talking about how he thought he was having sympathy contractions.  We both stopped walking as we laughed, and to keep things interesting, my water broke right there – in front of the garage sale.  Luckily, it started raining almost simultaneously so I don’t think anyone noticed the extremely pregnant lady with wet pants as it was camouflaged by rain.

Photo by Heart Shot Photo

I had hoped for a natural birth long before I became pregnant.  Once we found out that our little was head-down, Andy and I prepared to welcome the peanut into the world with as few medical interventions as possible.  So, once my water broke, I had hoped to labor at home for at least a little while longer.  We already notified our doula about the progress, and Andy called the hospital to ensure we didn’t need to come in immediately.  With contractions now coming pretty quickly (five minutes or less apart) and intensely, Andy began loading up our car for the hospital as I mainly labored in our bed for as long as I could.

10:30 am

As the contractions grew in intensity, we headed to the hospital.  We called Melissa – our doula – and had her meet us there rather than our house as it was pretty clear that things were happening relatively quickly.  Once at the hospital, we were checked-in to a triage room so they could assess my labor.  The first time a nurse checked me – in triage – I was already almost five centimeters dilated (this was probably around 11:00 – 11:30).  So, they quickly got us to a labor and delivery room and it wasn’t long before contractions began to come one on top of another.  

2:00 pm

I had envisioned my birth playlist echoing in the background while Andy massaged my back as I labored through, but as things progressed quickly, I mainly just stayed focused on each contraction as Andy stayed close by.  We were so blessed to have an amazing nurse – Cindy – who was supportive of my birth plan, and of course our doula – Melissa – in the wing to help as things got more intense.  Luckily, labor stayed pretty calm and there was never a time that I wanted to give up and ask for pain medicine.  And, I was fully dilated and ready to push by 2:00! 

As they prepared me to begin pushing, I remember looking up at Andy in anticipation.  I was certain we would be meeting our daughter shortly.  Pushing was a journey all its own and extremely tough.  We’re not sure if she changed positions a few times as she worked her way out but all signs indicate that she did.  I am so thankful for the amazing team at St. Luke’s.  Because we were consistently making progress during the two hours and forty-five minutes that I pushed, no one ever mentioned additional interventions, and Nurse Cindy did an amazing job at keeping me motivated.

But, no one did a better job than my husband.  He never left my side and seemed to constantly say the things I needed to hear.  I searched his eyes multiple times for motivation and found it each time.  I also kept some of my favorite words in my head as I inched closer to meeting our daughter.  I find running analogies everywhere, so as I reached the end of my rope I kept thinking about the last .2 miles in the marathon we ran a few years ago.  Because as Kristin Armstrong says…

".2 is the metaphorical distance between you and any finish line in your life, anything you have ever dreamed of doing or becoming.  It's what's separating you from your truest, most authentic self and your most actualized life.  It's what's worth thinking about, strategizing about, planning for, training for, and going for. 

.2 is simultaneously the end and the beginning.  Because when we cross one finish line, we arrive at the next start line, carrying with us everything we learned from prior distance."

Our race was long and at times extremely hilly.  But, I knew, while pushing, that this was our finish line and our start line.  And, Andy and I were going to cross this one together.

Photo by Heart Shot Photo

4:46 pm

Our little peanut was born at 4:46 pm on April 24, 2014.  She weighed in at 7 lbs, 12 oz and was 21 ½ inches long.  In her pediatrician’s words (not mine, of course), she is perfect!  I was able to push her out with no medical interventions – they never even placed an IV port in me!  And, Andy and I were able to experience the rush of joy as they placed her in my arms, together.  Thirty-one months after we started trying for our family, Nora James Wendling was welcomed into a room full of love.

Photo by Heart Shot Photo

Lucky

I cried as we left the hospital.  Not because I was scared or anxious but because I knew that we were leaving behind an experience that we were so lucky to have.  Although Nora’s birth was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, I left the hospital feeling like we were leaving a great vacation behind.  We were so lucky to deliver a full-term, healthy baby and to be going home with her.  We were lucky my labor progressed the way it did, and that we were able to have the birth we had hoped for.  But, more than anything, we are lucky to have her.  

Photo by Heart Shot Photo